Reflection Internal

November 9, 2015

My thoughts, a honking motorist, impatient with obstacles I can’t control.

It seems that obstacles (when you’re weary) can be used to hold you up instead of only back.

Everything I’ve ever wanted is hung up in the journey. A clothesline strung from one moment to the next. Pegs keeping everything clean in place, safe from falling.

Eventually each piece will dry out.

36 Questions to Bring You Closer Together (remix)

January 14, 2015

These questions only take about 45 minutes to discuss—and they “almost” “always” make two people feel better about each other and want to see each other again, according to a social psychology researcher that’s probably afraid to show his or her face in public, who didn’t bother to publish the results at all. Because obviously.

You can try these questions with a date, but they’re not necessarily only applicable to fostering romance. You can also try them with people you already know well—friends, family members, even long-term partners—to deepen your ties.

Each of you should take a turn answering each question.

Here they are, in order:

  1. Have you ever thought about how dangerous it is to just ride around in a motor vehicle?
  2. Does your family like you?
  3. Why?
  4. Where were you in 1993? What were you doing?
  5. Do you think it’s embarrassing to talk about getting physical in public?
  6. Do you think maybe that sounds like a personal problem?
  7. What’s the deal with your hairdo?
  8. How many times have you eaten at McDonald’s today?
  9. Would you still love me if a gained a bunch of weight?
  10. How about like a WHOLE BUNCH of weight?
  11. Do you own a beige trench coat?
  12. When was the last time ya heard it like this?
  13. Do you know anyone that you consider to be “more hot-looking” than me?
  14. Do you like the song Karma by Lloyd Banks?
  15. Do you see yourself as a father?
  16. If ‘yes’, is it because you currently have children?
  17. Do you date me?
  18. What’s your favourite food to eat in bed?
  19. Do you have any household rules against eating in bed?
  20. Is your best friend a dog?
  21. Would it, theoretically, bother you if I sometimes snored when I’d been drinking?
  22. Have you ever had your cell phone stolen?
  23. Do you secretly think i took it?
  24. Do you know any good jokes that I don’t already know?
  25. Do you consider yourself a “butt guy”?
  26. If you had to spend the next 3 months on an Island, which Island would it be?
  27. Have you ever been on an Alaskan cruise?
  28. Don’t you know I’m lactose??
  29. If you had to eat the same meal for your next 300 meals, would it be massaged kale, you asshole?
  30. What’s your favourite curse word?
  31. How do you (generally) react to chain emails?
  32. If you did go on that Alaskan cruise, did you pay for it yourself?
  33. Have you used the expression “weaksauce” in the last 60 days?
  34. Are group naps a ‘Yes’?
  35. What do you think about Burning Man?
  36. Are your ties feeling deepened or is that just a bag of chocolate covered raisins that you’re hiding?

untitled

May 6, 2014

i’m afraid to lose you. 1 year and 6 months too late, i am holding on for dear life to yours. i despise everything that doesn’t remind me of you. hate myself for forgetting, for letting anything in that will allow me to forget. i love you more now than i ever knew that i could, need you more in this instant than i did over 27 years, 11 months, 7 days.

i want to tell you that i’m on my way, that you would be proud, that you will be proud of me. i want to share my plans with you. i want to tell you how grateful i am for who you are. i want to thank you for loving me, for teaching me about love, for enduring me. i don’t want to talk about you in the past tense. i want to talk to you. with you.

i love you.

 

 

it takes a ‘g’ to spell ‘nostalgia’

April 2, 2013

people like to talk about regrets over breakfast. sometimes in reference to the night before. they’ll often talk about how they don’t have them, or about how they regret what they haven’t done rather than what they have. about how you can’t change the past, but you can learn from it, and it just makes you a better person in the long run. i guess the unfortunate thing about a lot of people is that they’re idiots, and then the other unfortunate thing about some of the other people is that they’re lying to themselves, and then when these people get together after asshat class for jaeger bombs and yelling at each other, well, the momentum can reach pretty dangerous levels.

this is on my mind because lately, i’ve put some pretty serious man hours into regretting a decision i made back in september. i was up north in the city where my mom lived and it was the day before her 55th birthday. I was up there for a wedding with a couple of girlfriends and i’d been planning to visit her at some point during the trip. she’d told me somewhat last-minute that she wasn’t up for a visit-for meeting new people. that she was feeling under the weather. so i made plans to pick up some flowers before we left the city and drop them off and give her a hug. i guess sometimes i make plans just to make them, and this was one of those times, and on the way out we rushed and i was hung over, and somehow this trumped the flowers, the birthday hug, or seeing my mom. i remember the friend that was driving us back double checking with me- like jules are you sure you don’t want to just swing by your mom’s? and i remember shrugging like nah, because there was something else on my mind and because i can be an absolute shithead. and if i’d known it would be her last birthday, i’d take it back a thousand times.

in this case, i regret both what i did and what i didn’t do. i regret it so deeply that the regret itself could grow roots and anchor me to whichever street i happen to be standing on when it hits me. the regret could freeze my blood, saliva, and tears-choke the sunlight out of a hot saturday in the park- knock the wind out of chicago. the sensation of this particular regret is so savage and absolute that it’s almost refreshing. at this point i’ve had almost six months to learn about loss, and i’ve come to believe that it carries with it a blood-bound hardcover collection of words. like fear and pain and love and confusion. denial, suppression, pretense, and forgetting. i’d imagine that healing and recovery, peace, and letting go are in there somewhere, but fuck. i get so distracted with the second part.

November 22, 2012

 

I’m thankful for macaroni and cheese. For books. I’m thankful for friends and family that I can laugh with and for laughter. I’m thankful for every moment that I spent with my mom. I’m thankful for her strength, for her beauty, and for everything she taught me. I’m thankful that I was given the opportunity to say goodbye and I’m thankful to her for her unwavering love and astounding courage- for the words of encouragement that she spoke from her death bed. I’ve learned that loss can be a foil for kindness, anger can precede pain, and death can illuminate love. I’ve learned that I have far more to be grateful for than I have to lament, and I’ve learned (lead by the example of my mama, Joanie Margrethe Lund Dragland) that appreciation is paramount, forgiveness trumps pride, and love never fails.Image

hold

August 14, 2012

i was holding my breath because you were holding your own and in your eyes these were mutually exclusive positions. i thanked god for my ability to move in and out of various lines of vision. to understand from angles other than my own. i was watching silence and because it’s strength is it’s substance- as i said, i could not exhale.
i was counting. because everyone knows that when you’re not breathing you have to count. what if you set a record and it went by way of a lonely falling tree? i couldn’t let that happen.
imagine language like tap water, trapsing through pipes. pressure behind, suction above. use, reuse ,and finally removal. retirement. imagine the retired words. the obsolete verbs alone in their books! and we imagine ourselves lonely! and we question our purpose! imagine the word ‘thee’. NOBODY fucks with that guy anymore. and that’s for real.

and again, it’s tuesday night

May 9, 2012

the counting crows’ august and everything after is tied with jake one’s white van music for my all time favorite album.

(just in case you’re wondering what i’m into.)

i think you can tell a lot about a person based off of what you know about them after ten minutes of conversation. aside from what they’ve told you. everything they haven’t shared and all of the eye contact they haven’t made usually says more to me than whatever they’ve rambled on. you feel me? the epiphany is second only to the orgasm in my little world where hearts live in abdomens and brains work out at high end gymnasiums.

i haven’t feared actively since i was 18 years old.

 

tuesday, 8:49pm

May 2, 2012

you can’t imagine the fine line between memories and imagination. it’s thinner than ally mcbeal back when she was the pop culture go-to for talking about being skinny. pre- olsen twins eating disorder era.and before paris hilton went through the human stretching device that got stuck on her feet.

i’d like to be thinner, but i don’t want to be any more cold than i already am, pretty regularly. so if there’s some happy medium where i’m loved, heated, fed, and get sexed, please buy me a bus ticket to there. and then men in black mind erase me.

when i was in high school i didn’t watch television and i’ve been making up for it ever since. in my opinion television is like a mediocre sandwich. i won’t elaborate because i trust that you believe in me and have an imagination of your own.

because i wasn’t in the loop called mtv, i think i waxed like a bit of a weirdo. the fact that i am a bit of a weirdo probably helped, along with the brown corduroy bomber jacket and the 2 years when my parents were jews for jesus.

that said. it’s been fun.

tell em why

May 2, 2012

write that shit down. the most important consumer that you’re ever going to influence is yourself, you know. make sure she buys all of the best shit. don’t let her get duped by some single season sensation. let her love the basics, let her style be all accents over substance. at the end of the day you’ve got to resolve that you’ll peel back the covers in the morning.

get up and stretch. fuck it. sit down and stretch. stretch to make room for all of the parts of you that you’ve got hidden under a pea coat you bought because kanye was paid. i know that there isn’t any use in holding out against what’s going to happen. in the same sense that there’s no way to know which ones you can stop in their tracks. but if my mom taught me anything, it’s that signs and wonders are what the world is telling you, constantly, you just get to choose what you see and what your visions mean. then spread the word. all of a sudden you’re writing the word of god, sharing the message. and. well, just make sure it’s a message that you want to share.

because therein lies the future. or at least your outlook for the day. which will dictate your future in the long run. be it a track meet or marathon.

 

the title is op…

March 17, 2012

the title is optional. that’s just how this thing works. you’d know if you spent more time on here, less time in the cloud you love so much. did you hear me? are you going deaf? you know how everyone says that at the end of the road you’re gonna face yourself and only yourself? except maybe god? well i checked it out, and long story short, you get there and it’s just you and the most popular girl in your 11th grade class. and they make you elect superlatives. yep. fucked up right? you’re dead and you’ve got to choose the person from your life that you think had the best hair, smile, was the biggest flirt.

we focus all of this on depth and hypothesizing and that’s how it ends. page 22 of the yearbook or some shit. at least it’s a twist ending. some m night shamalan shit. like in the village. only it’s your life. who abbreviates their first name anyways? people named eugene that’s who, and probably, in the future, people named apple too. who knows about the future though? oh yeah, me. you forgot about that, didn’t ya? the attention span of a 13 year old girl that eats donuts for 6 of her 7 daily feedings. she probably idolizes snooki; masturbates to bruno mars. has no idea she’s the grenade either.